Emotional Self-Care for Vegans through the Holidays

While holidays are often a beautiful time of celebration and connection, they can also be rife with family expectations, unhealthy dynamics, and old emotional baggage. These “normal” holiday challenges can be intensified and magnified for those of us living a vegan lifestyle. We may feel like we are walking a delicate tightrope, surrounded by family gatherings, foods, and traditions that don’t align with our values. Under these circumstances, it’s easy to feel isolated, anxious, tense, and even emotionally drained. How can we maintain our peace while honoring our compassionate values? In this article, I discuss three key practices to navigate the holidays with grace and resilience (and maybe even a little joy sprinkled in).

First, before we dive in, I invite you to reflect: What social situations are most challenging for YOU during the holidays? Perhaps you are the only vegan in your family or social circle, and you feel isolated and unsupported. Perhaps you are not sure how to navigate social gatherings centered around animal foods. Or you feel frustrated by family tensions or conflicts. Whatever your holiday challenges, it can be incredibly helpful to proactively develop a plan for how to approach these.

You may wish to grab a note pad or journal to reflect on the questions and suggestions offered below. Consider your personal situation, goals, and desires – and create your own unique holiday self-care “prescription.”

1. Be intentional

Once we become vegan, we see the world very differently than we had previously. We now recognize animal foods (the “centerpiece” of many holiday meals) as the products of suffering, and no longer choose to purchase, eat, or partake in these. As we learn more about the impact of our choices (on animals, humans, the planet, and our own health), we move toward more mindful, conscious, healthy, and compassionate ways of living. Whether others are ready to join us yet or not, we can still be proactive in considering how we want to celebrate. We have the power to influence how our holidays will be.

I invite you to take a moment to envision your ideal holiday season. Take some time to dream and imagine. Who would you spend the time with during the holidays? What kinds of things would you focus on? What foods would you eat? What activities would you engage in? What are the values you want to live by and the mindsets you want to cultivate? Play out an “ideal” holiday, from when you get up to when you go to bed, using all your senses – sights, sounds, sensations, feelings, smells, and tastes.

Now, as you’ve visualized what your ideal holiday might look and feel like, let’s bring it down to a more tangible level. While your vision may or may not fully unfold, there are things you can do to help move in that direction. Reflect on the following questions:

• What social events and family traditions do you want to continue to be part of?
• Which events will you choose NOT to attend?
• What new traditions would you like to create?
• What vegan foods will you prepare and bring to events?
• How will you incorporate time for rest, renewal, and self-care?
• How will you communicate with non-vegan family and friends about the changes you would like to make?

Be creative in exploring solutions that work best for you. It may be as simple as bringing lots of great vegan dishes to social gatherings – ensuring that you have food to eat, while allowing others to discover how scrumptious plant-based cuisine can be. Or you may decline to attend certain gatherings, and instead, plan a vegan meal with friends. Perhaps you might get together with non-vegan family and friends later for a drink, vegan dessert, or movie. Maybe you will schedule some personal time for an activity you love. As you consider these questions and ideas, give yourself time to explore what feels best to you and to discover creative solutions.

2. Emotional self-care

No matter how beautifully you plan your holidays, you’re probably going to experience some anxiety, stress, tension, or frustration at some point. For many of us, holidays are already a stressful time, because there’s so much baggage attached to it. There are family expectations and dynamics, as well as cultural messages and expectations. This “normal” holiday stress can be magnified when we have experienced life changes or losses – or are living and eating differently than the majority of those around us. This means that having an emotional self-care plan for the holidays is essential.

Here again, being proactive can be hugely helpful in preparing for and thriving through the holidays. Take time to reflect (and journal) on the following questions:

• Which holiday situations do you anticipate will likely bring up stress? How can you prepare for these situations?
• What plan can you have for handling unexpected stressors? What techniques can you use in the moment to manage stress?
• How can you implement ongoing self-care to lessen stress?
• What self-talk and actions will nurture greater self-compassion?
• How will you nourish yourself physically? (e.g., eating plenty of healthy whole plant foods, exercising, getting adequate sleep).
• What support systems do you have in place?
• What pleasurable activities will you enjoy? How can you take time to laugh, play, and enjoy the beauty of life?

Mindful self-awareness is an important foundation for healthy emotional self-care. Consider checking in with yourself periodically to ask these questions: What am I feeling? What do I need? Do I have the energy or bandwidth to continue this conversation or situation right now? Can I take a moment to pause and return to this later? What would nourish me right now, or what might I need to do later?

To navigate emotional stress more effectively, it helps to develop ongoing self-care practices (your self-care “prescription”). Choose a few practices that you are willing to commit to regularly, such as meditation, yoga, affirmations, breathing techniques, taking a walk, time in nature, journaling, time with companion animals, art, or music.

Based on the questions and suggestions above, what daily practices will you implement to relax, manage stress, and process emotions? Write out your holiday self-care prescription, including how and when you will implement these practices. (For additional suggestions, see my recent article on coping with difficult emotions.)

3. Healthy communication

As you explore new ways to navigate the holidays, ultimately you will need to communicate with others about your desired changes. In approaching these conversations, you may wish to reflect: What are creative ways to honor my values AND enjoy meaningful festivities with those I love? How can I communicate this in ways that allow me to be true to myself, while remaining connected to those I care about?

If you are a new vegan, this will include letting those close to you know that you are no longer eating animal products. You may need to explain that you will not be eating Grandma’s beloved pumpkin pie or Uncle Pete’s special pasta Bolognese. It’s important to recognize that for some people, sharing food is their way of sharing love. In these situations, it can be helpful to emphasize that you still love and value the other person(s) and your relationship – and that your decision to go vegan is a personal one, based on values such as ethics or health. You might offer to bring some vegan dishes to share and note that you are happy to provide more information about veganism or plant-based diets if they are interested.

There is an art to effective communication. In some situations, communication flows smoothly and naturally, and you don’t have to give it a lot of thought. However, some conversations can be emotionally charged, and therefore more challenging. Below are some suggestions for navigating these challenging conversations more effectively.

Set an intention for your communication.

The book Crucial Conversations emphasizes the importance of taking time to pause and clarify your intentions and desires before initiating important conversations. This allows you to connect with your Wise Brain, the part of your brain that holds emotional intelligence. Take a deep breath, and then ask yourself questions such as: “What do I really want here – for myself and for the other person? What do I want for the larger situation? What is the best way to express myself to create those results?” This reflection connects you with your deeper wishes, so you can be proactive, not reactive, in how you communicate. It helps to discern the right timing, words, tone, and body language to have a fruitful conversation.

Is your agenda healthy?

In her book, Beyond Beliefs: A Guide to Improving Relationships and Communication for Vegans, Vegetarians, and Meat Eaters, Dr. Melanie Joy discusses the importance of having healthy expectations and intentions for our communication. When we are focused on being “right,” or changing another person, this rarely leads to meaningful communication. Perhaps the healthiest intention for a conversation is greater mutual understanding. We may have secondary goals, but without mutual understanding, our conversation becomes more of a lecture or monologue, not a true interaction. We are each more likely to be touched and moved when we feel heard and understood. Our words will also have more impact, coming from a place of greater understanding and connection.

Communicate assertively, not passively or aggressively.

Assertive communication entails expressing your feelings and needs clearly and directly, in a way that is respectful of the other person as well as yourself. When you communicate assertively, you are honest about what you feel, where you stand, and what you would like to see happen, and at the same time, do this in a way that honors the dignity of the other person. Assertive communication is not just about words, but also about a respectful tone of voice, body language, and manner. It includes using “I-language,” and sharing your perspective and story so that others can better understand where you are coming from. It also involves active listening, to better understand the other’s concerns and perspectives. Assertive communication increases the likelihood of achieving greater mutual understanding and discovering creative solutions.

Passive communication, in contrast, is when we don’t speak up at all, or dance around the issues, rather than be clear and direct. Often this occurs when we are trying to please others or avoid conflict. When we are indirect, this may lead to misunderstandings, and even unintended conflict, because others can’t “read” our desires and intentions.

And then there’s aggressive communication, which comes across as hostile or threatening. It can range from speaking in an angry tone of voice, to name-calling, to verbal attacks, even to physical violence. Those on the receiving end of aggression tend to feel threatened, which triggers a fight-or-flight response, often leading to anger (fight), or to withdrawal (flight). Passive-aggressive behavior is a more subtle form of aggression, which can include sarcasm, ridicule, or sabotaging behaviors. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of aggressive or passive-aggressive communication, consider how this made you feel. It’s safe to say that this style of communicating rarely lends itself to positive understanding or meaningful change.

Consider: How can you implement intentional, healthy, assertive communication to express your wishes, needs, and/or changes in holiday plans with loved ones? (Check out my Vegan Communication Resource list for additional resources to improve communication.)

Bringing it all together

In this article I’ve discussed three core strategies for navigating the holidays more peacefully: Being intentional and proactive, prioritizing emotional self-care, and implementing healthy communication skills. Developing these skills occurs over time and with practice. While being vegan in a not-yet-vegan world can bring up emotional and interpersonal challenges, it contributes to so much that is positive – for animals, the planet, and for our own health and peace of mind. In honoring our deepest values, and walking the path less traveled, veganism offers an opportunity to live more authentically in our relationship with ourself and with others. Living authentically may ulitimately enable us to navigate the holidays (and beyond) with greater grace, peace, fulfillment, and joy.

Check out my recent presentation on Emotional Self-Care for Vegans (available on YouTube) for additional tips on thriving emotionally through the holidays.